Stream of thoughts. Flow of consciousness.
And normalising normal things.
Dear being,
Happy New Year! I hope this message finds you jolly and bright. And if not, you’re in the right place :D
I guess I haven’t written in months. Feels like, I have some confessions to make.
At the moment I would describe myself as: unhinged. A little on edge. A little out of balance.
My son is thriving, my relationship is surviving, and the things are getting done. The groceries are getting bought, the dishes washed and (eventually) the counters wiped clean.
A move is being planned, a new kitchen designed, a budget prepared. Somehow a vision for the (my) future is unfolding, without seemingly much effort on my side.
Things are moving.
But these days I find myself seemingly without a moment of me-time.
Is it really true? Or is that the reality I’m creating for myself?
Probably a bit of both.
Caring for a toddler is a lovely, adorable, fun, wouldn’t-trade-it-for-the-world kind of pain in the ass.
He’s become the center of my world - and it’s not a problem. It’s a responsibility I delight in every day. At the same time, it’s physically and mentally draining. When I’m not taking care of him (or while I am), I’m either working, trying to keep my house in a somewhat acceptable state, planning things with Stefan or packing for the move. So when I would get some ‘me-time’, all I usually have the energy for is sitting on the couch and binge watching something.
The last two nights after J went to sleep, I was so moody. For no reason apparently other than perhaps; I had too little time for myself these days. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m not very in touch with myself. I resent Stefan for it when in reality, he’s doing the best he can too and we’re both stressed and stretched to the max, doing all the things that adults with a toddler and a move this month need to do.
So wherever this message finds you, let this be a reassurance to you that: other people don’t have it all figured out.
Here are some normal things that are a part of my life now or recently:
A messy house.
Untamed body hair (obviously).
Eating cereal for dinner.
Feeling exhausted after the holidays.
Doing nothing after my kid goes to sleep.
Leaving dirty dishes on the counter.
Not cleaning the high chair directly after it was used.
Forgetting to put things away.
A pile of laundry in the bedroom, that keeps moving around.
Not knowing whats on the calendar for tomorrow.
Doing things that annoy my partner.
Feeling rage or despair postpartum - and taking antidepressants that help.
Fighting often with my partner.
Once in a while, having some physical intimacy with my partner.
Feeling bad or anxious about giving (or not giving) Christmas presents.
Regretting not making time to see my family this Christmas.
Secretly wishing my son will go to sleep so I can have a break.
Feeling like I need a holiday to recover from the holidays.
Gaining weight and not feeling good about it.
But also some good things:
Feeling grateful for my little family, and larger circle of friends and family.
Making time to meet with my girlfriends for brunch.
Staying in touch with old friends.
The satisfaction that comes from checking something off your list - or getting one thing done at a time, no matter how small.
Making up with my partner more quickly than we did in the past & having less intense fights.
Having a good job that I enjoy.
Feeling safe where I live.
Home cooked meals.
Coffee, coffee, coffee.
Music.
Okay I’ll stop now cause this list is getting too generic.
So that’s it - a brief and imperfect update from me.
Things are good, and hard too.
How is life going with you?
Love,
Chelsea