A day at the beach with my internalized misogyny

"Damn, that girl is nasty!"

Photo by Jernej Graj

Dear reader,

I wrote a poem today. Let me know your (radically honest) thoughts/opinions/feelings in the comments (and poll) below!

---

A day at the beach with my 
internalized misogyny
begins with
this morning
getting ready

I ask myself
'What do I have to do to get ready?'
or in other words;
'How hairy do I want to be?'
(publicly)
 
Because to be a woman 
in the public eye 
means to be scrutinized

So I start getting ready 
a shower
not the everything kind
I decide that washing my body
shampooing and conditioning my hair
should be enough

A self-proclaimed feminist
I know that 
I don't have to remove my body hair
to be seen
I know that 
I can be perceived
naturally
hairy
and that it technically
doesn't change my worth 
that it
shouldn't 
ideally,
mean anything about my value 
as a woman and yet
as I dry off and put my 
bikini on
and look in the mirror
I. can't. help. but. cringe.
at my own reflection
natural me

the word that comes in that moment is 

nasty

'Nasty. I look nasty. Should I be a nasty woman today?' 

This is the story I tell myself as I continue getting ready.

As if brown hairs around the
outline of a bikini 
tell a story about 
what kind of woman I am...

...maybe they do.

When I was a kid, I was such a girly girl that 
I declared that the word nasty 
was too gross to even speak. 

As if I somehow needed to be 
hyper feminine 
even way back then;
I preferred the word icky 
to describe something 
disgusting. 

(Am I still afraid to even utter the word?)

But these days, Urban Dictionary and folks of a new generation give this word a whole new (positive) meaning;
to call something nasty is a compliment today

So maybe,
I am nasty
in a good way.

Still it doesn't sit right to me
that the first word I 
subconsciously 
chose to describe my body 
in a bikini 
on a day where it will be 96°F
with softness and wrinkles and cellulite and yes, body hair
is nasty.

But that's just another day 
with my internalized misogyny.

---

What do you say?

Curious to hear your thoughts!

With love,

Chelsea

(Who is currently sitting at her desk, in a bikini)