On returning to work after having a baby

A rant about my experience working part-time, 1-2 years postpartum.

It feels foreign to sit down and write today.

I used to write in my journal all the time as a kid and teenager. At some point, I started writing more on my computer than I did by hand - so for a long time now it’s felt unusual to try to sit down and write with a pen or pencil on paper.

Now I’m typing at the keyboard, but still, something feels off.

Maybe it’s because so much of what I do nowadays at work involves writing prompts for ChatGPT instead of actually crafting something myself.

So now, to let these words flow out of me as I’ve always done… feels foreign. It’s like I’m an alien in my own body. Invaded by AI.

There’s so much on my mind. So I’m just gonna sit down and try to get it all out.

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Currently I work 20 hours a week at my corporate job.

But I didn’t have to be working right now. I chose this. What do I mean?

Living in Austria, I was entitled to stay home and enjoy paid parental leave until my son’s second birthday… which isn’t until October.

But I’ve been working since last October. How did this happen?

At first, before my son was even born, I knew I wanted to stay home the full two years with my baby.

But when my partner expressed the desire to have his own stay-at-home dad experience, and take a few months of parental leave himself, I couldn’t object. Of course I wanted him to have that bonding time with our child.

So, in order to give him three months of parental leave, I went back to work last year for three months, full-time. My son had just turned one year old. And by that time, I was ready (albeit nervous) to go back.

I knew I’d miss my son; but I wouldn’t miss all the cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, and especially washing the floor three times a day that goes along with being his primary caregiver.

Back at work, I felt I was thriving. I could relax knowing that the little one was being well-taken care of at home with Papa, and they were deepening their connection. I could jump back into my career - a career that I cared about, and spent years building and working hard for.

Going back to the office again was, for me (like many parents) akin to a holiday. (And yes, I know how difficult that probably is to believe for those of you who don’t have children. But trust me, it really is like that for us 😂)

And for those of you thinking that that means I don’t take my work seriously - you couldn’t be more wrong. Coming back to work I was more motivated than ever to learn, grow, do my best, tackle challenges head on, and bring my own and my whole team’s performance up a level - or two or three.

I came back to work bursting with new ideas, motivation, and an optimistic, can-do attitude. Like I said, it was a refreshing change of pace compared to spending my days changing nappies.

I was enjoying working again WAY more than I ever thought possible. So when the three months were coming to an end, I wasn’t so excited about the prospect of going back to being a full-time SAHM.

My partner and I had a discussion, and I proposed that we go 50/50 - a nice sounding idea that many new moms are drawn to - and each work 20 hours a week. He agreed. With this, we would effectively split the remaining parental leave.

On paper, it seemed like the ideal solution. We’d each work two and half days a week. He would work full days on Monday and Wednesday; I’d get Thursday and Friday; and we’d split Tuesday. He’d start working in the morning Tuesdays; I’d head to the office around lunchtime. We agreed this arrangement sounded fair, and on January 6th I started with my new part-time schedule.

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How it feels to be back at work

Six months into this new rhythm, I’ve started to wonder why it’s feeling way more difficult than I had imagined…

What seemed like an ideal solution is now a reality that I can’t wait to be over.

I’m anxiously awaiting the day (this fall) when J can start preschool, as if it will be the miracle to solve all my problems (I know it won’t be). I’m sure that time will come with some challenges of its own that we can’t foresee now - ahh, to be a parent.

But lately, everything just feels wrong.

Okay, I’m definitely being dramatic, it’s that time of the month after all. But these feelings are legit, so let’s just indulge them for a bit shall we?

First of all, work feels more challenging than ever.

I’m a person who has always thrived at work - always gotten great performance reviews, always been a valued team member. As an American in Europe, I’ve tended to ‘live to work’ rather than embrace the ‘work to live’ mindset of my European colleagues. I cared so much about everything I did at work, because I was raised to associate who I am with what I do (especially professionally). I care so much. I bring work home with me and think about it in my free time. I often forgo socialising at work because I’m in the zone - and all about getting shit done. I have even referred to the corporate blog I manage as ‘my baby’ (definitely too far) but that’s how much pride and care I take in my work.

Stepping back into my role after over a year away on maternity/parental leave, it wasn’t immediately obvious to me that anything (aka my job) had changed. Since I’d only planned to be back three months temporarily, I thought I’d join my team again as a sort of helper or consultant. I was there to take on some projects as possible, give my advice, and help out where I could.

Only once I went part-time (and with that, returned to work for good) did it occur to me that things, in fact, really had changed (as they had to while I was gone). And that stepping back into my previous role wouldn’t be as easy or seamless as I had imagined.

Coming back to work after parental leave, it was clear that I didn’t have the same job I had before - and worse, my new role was not clearly defined. Plus, the scope of my work didn’t really change with the move down to 20 hours. Expectations remained the same - as if I’d still be a full-time employee.

This isn’t written to blame anyone. But I think the takeaway is that many of us just don’t know how to handle when moms and other parents return to work. We don’t fully appreciate the huge changes and nuances that go along with it. And many folks in the office still don’t quite get that ‘maternity leave’ is not code for ‘holiday’.

Throughout these challenges, I keep remembering - I chose this. I came back because I care. And that makes it all even more emotional.

Being a working mom feels penalizing in and of itself

When two people get together and have a child, it’s usually the mom whose career is impacted the most. Unless you’re rich or live in some unicorn land of free childcare, somebody has to either stop working or work part-time - and most often it’s mom.

This is the price she pays just for being a woman with children - her career takes a hit. And this can impact her professional life forever.

In our case, we’re both working part-time now. But when our son starts preschool in the fall, only my parter will return to work full-time.

And let’s face it, part-time employees are often taken less seriously, looked at as less dedicated, than full-time team members. While others can simply work evenings or weekends to get shit done when needed - I often can’t even if I wanted to. I have a toddler of not even two years old depending on me at all hours of the day (and night) outside of work.

But being a mom, working part-time - it doesn’t mean I care any less about work. If anything, I care about my job MORE since having a baby.

Besides the difficulty I faced in my particular situation returning to the office, I’m also currently dealing with things at home that make balancing work-mom life rough.

For instance, the first few months of working, I tried to work from home in our new home office, as is allowed most days of the week per company policy. It’s something I used to enjoy.

When Stefan works from home on Mondays, he wakes up, grabs a coffee, and heads to the (home) office for a productive day. Unbothered (since J is with me). This is what my home office days were also like before kids - peaceful, productive.

On the other hand, for me trying to work in our home office as a mom of a one and a half year old is like fighting a losing battle. No matter what I do - I lose.

If I close the door and attempt to work - J screams outside the door. Papa might keep him occupied for a while - say with breakfast - but the moment I step outside that door for a drink or to pee - I’m doomed. He sees me, wants me, screams because he doesn’t understand why Mama is not available for him right now. If I try to calm him, reassure him, maybe give him something to play with - well then Papa is mad at me for interfering. For doing too much. I should just go work and let him handle things. Except I cannot ignore my screaming child.

So now, I go to the office all three work days of the week.

I commute to the office (which wastes time) and then work on trying to get the never-ending-to-do-list done (which isn’t possible). I feel guilty for taking a break to eat a meal (or God forbid, do some shopping, or take a walk). Anytime I’m not taking care of my son I feel this pressure to get home as soon as possible to relieve the person taking care of him of their child care duties (even his father). I imagine my partner also expects this of me.

And when we’re both home, there’s more of a demand on me, Mama - little J is always by my side. (Even as I type this now little Jo has woken up from his nap and demanded to be between me and the computer.)

Being called “Mama” is a special privilege and a beautiful relationship - but it’s also an incredibly demanding, exhausting full-time job.

And now, the mom guilt kicks in for calling it a ‘job’ to raise my son.

It’s 19 months postpartum, and I just can’t win.

BM (before motherhood, as I like to call it now), working part-time would have been a breeze. I would have had all the time in the world for myself. Now, it feels like I only have time for taking care of my son and working.

I never could have imagined that working part-time would be this hard.

So that’s all I have for you today.

I’ll unleash some more thoughts in the next edition.

Until then, all the love,

Chelsea

P.S. Can you relate? 🫠 Let me know in the comments so I don’t feel so alone! ⬇️