I was terrified of becoming a mom - and it's the best thing I've ever done.

Photo by Oleg Sergeichik

It’s 7:40 pm on a Saturday night, and instead of going to sleep with the little guy around this time (as I’ve made a habit of lately), I’m sitting in the living room with my laptop and the vegan equivalent of a bag of sour gummy bears.

I guess this counts as my mom party for today - a brief moment of me-time for a busy mama, as Jancee Dunn describes in her book ‘How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids’, which is usually reserved for binge-eating, mindless scrolling, or some other form of numbing out and relaxing.

Yes - I’ve had to read that book in the past few months. And to his credit, my “husband," Stefan, has read it too.

Did it help us? I don’t know. That’s another story. He’s currently more interested in immersing himself in the world of Harry Potter (via the popular game and books) than spending his free time with me. And I’m usually too tired to spend my free nights with him.

I guess this is parenthood.

I have to trust that the relationship with Stefan will get better someday. It sure took a hit, which is pretty normal when couples have their first baby (or any baby, for that matter). This is a fact I try to remind myself on a daily basis.

Despite that, I want to say:

Having a kid, despite all its challenges (and because of all my privileges) is 1000% worth it for me.

However,

Most of my life, I was terrified of becoming a mom.

So much so that I convinced myself that I would ‘give birth to a meaningful work project’ rather than birth actual babies. Yet underneath that fear, I still had a desire deep down to become a mom.

What was I scared of, you ask? I was most scared of becoming a mom and…

• losing my mind

• not having an equal partner

• being constantly overwhelmed to the point of not being able to function and failing my kid

• regretting my decision to have children and having to live with it

• not being financially prepared for it and

• just plain not being able to handle being a mom.

For all those reasons, I knew I could only become a mother under certain conditions. So yeah, as a modern woman living in this complicated world, my RIGHT TO CHOOSE was absolutely vital to me.

I am devastated for all the women in the U.S. who, in a post Roe v. Wade world, no longer have that choice and authority over their own bodies, families, and futures. If you are curious, I wrote about my abortion story here:

Anyway - in early 2023 I found myself pregnant. With a great partner who was ready for kids. Financially quite secure. Living in a country with great social benefits. Feeling like a pretty stable, secure version of myself.

Finally I could say ‘Yes!’ to having a child and fulfilling this long-buried desire of mine.

But even with all the right conditions met, and a baby growing in my belly, I was still petrified of becoming a mom.

And yet, almost six months postpartum, I’m here to say:

Having a kid - becoming a mother - is easily the best thing I’ve ever done.

Side note: I’m not writing this to say that it will be - or was - the best thing for you. Or that you should become a parent, or that having kids is the only right way. For some people, this will undoubtedly NOT be their reality, and that’s okay.

As I mentioned above, I have a lot of privilege that enables me to enjoy being a mom. Privilege like paid maternity and parental leave, child benefits, affordable childcare, etc. I am not taking any of that lightly. The decision to have children is incredibly personal - and I am just describing my personal experience.

Now - I’ll try to describe in a few words what is, essentially, indescribable.

What makes being a mom so worth it for me?

First of all - I found that my fear of being overwhelmed (perhaps the biggest fear I had) was unfounded - things are changing moment to moment, so at least for now, it doesn’t feel possible for me to get stuck in a chronic state of overwhelm. Instead, there are moments where I may feel overwhelmed. And then in the next moment I might feel joy. Or worry. Or I might fall asleep and feel nothing. Everything is always changing, and that thought/fact comforts me. Overwhelm is not permanent. Nor is any state of mind, feeling or physical sensation. Phew!

It’s the way he smiles at me. He wakes up from his sleep and I look him in the eyes and he gets SO EXCITED to see me. Every day. And right now, he loves me, unconditionally. Whether I love myself or not, even with hairs under my chin (although I already fear his judgement later as a teenager for example - but that’s another era of motherhood I won’t worry about now).

It’s kinda awesome to be so important to somebody <3 And to create a person, who becomes so important to you. It’s like after Stefan and I fell in love, we used that creative, magical energy to create another tiny human to fall in love with. How cool (and magical) is that?!

It’s the way I love him without even knowing him yet. Like I would do anything for him. And I don’t even know what his voice sounds like yet, what his favorite color is, or whether he is introverted or extroverted. I don’t really know what he likes to do, what he’s good at or what his annoying habits are. And all that doesn’t matter - just coexisting together - eating, sleeping, cuddling, shitting - is good enough for now.

Speaking of shitting, today my son was constipated for the first time. I was worried, since he’s never missed a poop in his life (he’s been an excellent little shitter since birth) and holy hell! Now it’s been a day and a half and WHERE IS THE POO?! I kept asking my 5 month old, who has no comprehension of that of course.

So after a big breakfast, a bout of vomiting, a trip to the emergency clinic (which turned out to be completely unnecessary) - my son and I were sitting on the balcony when I heard a little poot.

Like the quick thinking mom I am now, I quickly removed his diaper and sat him down on his potty.

He looked confused and a bit distraught. After some encouragement, his little face turned red, he grunted, and let out the biggest shit of his life. Into the potty!

Wow, I have never been more proud of him. Or of me for that matter, for catching it in the potty. And yeah, I’ve never been so happy about someone else pooping - let alone that worried about someone being a little sick - but that’s motherhood for you.

There’s more I could say, but I think that’s enough for now. So I’ll end this newsletter on that shitty note.

Motherhood is crazy scary. And also a simple poop of your child can make your day :D

What a wonder.

What a world.

Goodnight (or goodday).

What’s bringing you joy today?

What does this stir in you?

I’m still here, just (metaphorically) buried under a mountain of vomit stained diapers and stuff -

reminding myself, of the good and the bad, this too shall pass.

Hugs and goodbye for now,

Chelsea