How I've turned into an asshole

Photo by engin akyurt

I have a confession to make: I’ve become an asshole. It’s me. I’m the AH.

(And maybe my partner is too if he will be so kind as to allow me to include him in this confession - but probably I shouldn’t, I think to myself. Still, I think he’s also become an asshole. But that’s just an asshole thing of me to say.)

I love calling Stefan an asshole.

“Why are you being such an asshole?!” It’s easy to blurt out, triggered and mid-argument. It’s convenient to call him (and men in general) a dick and move on, escaping any crumb of blame I could throw myself. Surely they’re to blame for my grievances?

But this time, I want to acknowledge what a dick, asshole or (insert derogatory name here) I’ve been.

Let me explain. I used to be pretty nice. Innocent, good Chelsea. I was in love with practicing Radical Honesty. I made that my life for 4+ years, and I was religiously devoted to it as a way of being. And if you’re wondering what it is, it’s a kind and conscious sort of out-loud, interpersonal meditation.

But now, two and a half years into my relationship and with a nine month old baby - I’ve let my practice slip. Rather unconsciously, I’ve replaced the thoughtful, kind honesty I used to practice, with some form of brutal honesty.

I haven’t let go of my passion for telling the truth, but I’ve become sloppy about it, thinking that it’s fine to be honest even if I don’t do it perfectly. I’m busy with a new baby after all. But after months of strife between Stefan and I what I’ve realized is that

Honesty without compassion and curiosity is just meanness

aka asshole behavior.

When I share every thought that comes to my mind about my partner to my partner with no filter and no lens of compassion for him… that’s asshole honesty.

When I mistake my fleeting thoughts and sensations as truth and make them the most important thing in a two-way relationship (and when he does the same)… that’s asshole behavior.

Life with a baby is pretty crazy. Demanding, exhausting, but fun and full of love too. Most of the time, all my energy is focused on loving and taking care of the little man. So much so that I have hardly any to spare, for taking care of myself and my relationship with Stefan.

I think it’s the same for him. We both struggle to get enough time for ourselves and end up grumpy AF. And being grumpy AF puts us in the perfect position to be mean, selfish dickheads, rather than wise, compassionate honesty practitioners.

Our out-loud meditation kind communication practice has gone to shit.

Excuse my potty mouth. I’m speaking unfiltered again, in my new asshole fashion.

So what to do?

We have a ‘talk’ planned for tonight, to try to resolve some open issues between us. But I don’t think that will be the thing to solve all our problems.

I think I need a new personal resolution - to cure this disease of meanness I’ve developed in relation to Stefan and no one else.

So for now my resolution for my relationship is to practice being as kind and nice to Stefan as humanly possible.

And: to re-read Codependent No More. So maybe I can do more yoga to make myself feel good, and expect that a little less from my partner.

Thoughts on this? Can you relate?

When have you let yourself slip to the detriment of your relationship(s)?

Wish me luck!

With love,

Chelsea