Holy shit, I'm SO HAPPY

Join me on a journey to discover what the fuck is going on.

Photo by Maria

Dear friends,

Holy shit, I’m so happy.

This caught me by surprise.

Long time no talk. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve written to you.

And today I want to write - and hopefully smash this newsletter out before I start my workday.

For the past few months, I’ve been busy and not busy at the same time.

In February, we discovered that I was pregnant. Which makes sense, since I’m kind of addicted to getting naked and rubbing bodies with Stefan. I couldn’t get enough of him, so I got a lot of him - maybe so much that I’ll make a mini-him :P

Oh my god Chelsea you can’t say that.

But it’s true!

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, a kind of peace washed over me. Contrary to how I imagine I’m supposed to feel as a pregnant woman, I feel calm.

This sense of inner stillness has persisted into the 5th month, alongside the usual ups and downs and other symptoms of pregnancy.

Now, at nearly 24 weeks in, I am experiencing something even more strange: I’m just so happy.

It’s such a new, wonderful and frankly unusual feeling that I’ve started to try to investigate where it could have possibly come from. And how perhaps it can be reproduced for the benefit of others, future me included.

So let’s explore

Possible reasons why I’m a happy mess

Today I feel like I’m living my best happy girl life and I want to know why. What factors led up to me experiencing this much joy in my daily life? Here are some things I consider possible reasons why I’m feeling like such a happy woman:

It’s your privilege, Chelsea

The first possible explanation seems obvious, and yet it’s easy to overlook.

Probably my happiness is a direct result of my privilege. I’m white. Female. Somewhat attractive if I do say so myself. American. Able-bodied. Basically cis-gendered and straight.

I imagine that all of these factors add up to so much privilege that led to me being able to do nice things like go to college, move to Austria, etc. Those are the big things - but the privilege I experience is most likely invisible - and experienced in my daily life. I don’t experience racism on a daily basis due to the color of my skin. I feel relatively at ease, and mostly safe in the world. People are generally nice to me.

This is the first possible explanation and thought that jumps out to me when I think about why I’m so happy. My mind goes like this:

Of course you’re happy Chelsea, it’s your white privilege. You did nothing for it. Probably you should go help someone less well-off than you instead of buying yourself more pretty things you don’t need. Really, you need two 15€ handmade ceramic bowls to eat your cereal out of? You’re so selfish. A bad person really.

So with this thought, comes a lot of white guilt, shame and helplessness - recognizing my privilege but not the power I could potentially have to help things.

While this is 100% a plausible explanation (and is certainly part of the reason I’m so happy), I suspect that it’s not the full story. Plenty of people who are privileged still feel miserable every day. And I used to be one of them. Being able to enjoy certain privileges in life is no guarantee of happiness.

So what else could be causing all this joy?

I can appreciate the small things

Another thing comes to mind for why I’m so happy.

Maybe I feel this way because somehow I have evolved into the type of person who can celebrate the small things. Give thanks for my daily blessings.

Eating a juicy ripe tomato from the farmers market. Seeing a rose bush blossom. Watching my fig tree grow from just a twig to a strong sapling. Spending time with friends and family. Being offered a slice of a beautiful homemade cake. Waking up each morning next to the person I love. Decorating my home. A new bike. Being able to go to the grocery story and buy nearly whatever I want. These are things I don’t take for granted.

In the end, I think the small things aren’t so small after all. Life is made out of a series of seemingly small, inconspicuous things. And I imagine that it’s our ability to see and appreciate them for the little miracles that they are that makes or breaks our sense of happiness throughout our lifetime.

I enjoy imagining that over the course of my life, I have developed this capacity. Trained my appreciation and gratitude muscles.

A quote from a recent talk from Charles Eisenstein comes to mind:

“When we don’t praise creation, it becomes dead.”

As if all of life just wants to be soaked up, and praised. Maybe that’s our purpose here.

This quote felt so profound and important to me when I first heard it that I wrote it down and hung it on my desk:

But there are other possible explanations.

More money, more happy

Another theory for my happiness I want to mention here is - maybe more money really equals more happiness.

I received several raises over the past few years. My salary got a nice boost. I have more disposable income now than ever. And maybe I’ve overlooked how much that has affected me. Maybe that’s the simple explanation for my increased quality of life - and level of happiness.

Or maybe…

It’s just my hormones

Maybe, it’s just my hormones. I’m pregnant after all. Something has changed - dramatically - inside my body over the past 6 months. Maybe the happiness I feel on a daily basis is just the result of a careful chemistry equation that’s favoring my body now but will quickly abandon me as soon as I’ve given birth and the pregnancy hormones have worn off.

Could be.

If you were pregnant, did you feel happy? Let me know below in the comments.

On that note… maybe the source of my joy is that

Becoming a mother is deeply fulfilling

A few weeks ago, it occurred to me that there is something profoundly enjoyable and fulfilling about the act of becoming a mother.

In the past, I always looked upon the act of reproduction from a distant point of view. I understood it scientifically. For a long time, I felt fear about it in my bones.

Now, I have a new lens - a newfound perspective from within the process itself. And I feel so honored to be able to participate in the natural, sacred, life-making act that makes the universe go round.

I have a sense that I’m not just just a vessel for a baby - but for life itself. For all the feelings, experiences, places and potential that come with that.

Am I living out my cosmic purpose by becoming a mother? It certainly feels like it! More on this in a later newsletter.

---

For now, it’s time to switch gears and start the workday.

Are you happy today? Or feeling something else?

Will you share your thoughts/feelings/sensations honestly in the comment section below?

Wishing you some joy for your day, until next time,

Chelsea