6 tips for honesty in dating
Or how to create an honest relationship
Good morning friends,
Recently I came across an old post, A few words for you. Have you read it?
It’s one of the most popular posts on here, and I wrote it shortly after getting to know Stefan.
Specifically, I wrote it on the morning after we spent our first night together. We had only met in real life three times - and I already felt comfortable sharing my bed with him. No it wasn’t a hookup - we didn’t have sex that night.
How did I feel so comfortable with Stefan so soon? And what keeps our relationship going one year later? I’d attribute it to our honest, direct and transparent communication.
As you can read in the post - within the first week of knowing each other, we were already communicating a lot of honesty; sharing lot of feelings and vulnerability. Holding nothing back.
So in this post, I want to share 6 tips for dating honestly.
But first, I want to briefly illustrate what honesty looks like in my relationship, how painful yet rewarding it can be - and ultimately what love looks like for us.
Being honest in a relationship
Recently Stefan and I had a fight - or rather I made myself very upset after something Stefan said to me. He was just being honest - sharing a truth with me that he knew I wouldn’t like but he decided to share anyway to be more connected to me.
As he expected, I did not handle it so well. I tortured myself the following night with what he said and the stories I created around it. I imagine that my core wound was triggered. As it often is with Stefan. And I sometimes imagine that’s a bad thing and maybe this isn’t the right relationship for me.
But then I witness Stefan’s beautiful response.
How he remains present with me to talk things through.
How he doesn’t get upset by me having big emotions.
How he loves. How he cares. How we repair.
The next day Stefan sent me the text he wrote in the comment section of that post that I mentioned above. This one:
The early spring will turn into real spring, into never ending summer days, into fallen leaves and finally into cold and dark nights before the cycle repeats itself with the seeds that had fallen into earth before, growing and blossoming in a new and changed cycle. For me there won't be that "one" season that will carry me for a lifetime, but there is this one process (called life?) that I can be committed to. So I guess there is a kind of right and wrong during the playful acts of this process, but it's never making the whole process right or wrong. It is just what it is.
And for now, I am quite grateful about how it is. About how me manage to be so open and close to each other for this short time we've already had, about how we make so much of so little. I'm happy to experience you living and I'm happy to take part and being effected by it. And I'd love to continue it in that way.
I see ourselves walking together, through areas for which we have some kind of map to orientate, through big open roads and also through not well treaded-down paths. I see ourselves walking on ways we don't know and doubting if they are really walkable. And I see ourselves carrying a light-weight backpack with all the tools we need to find ways through every kind of terrain. Sometimes we may know exactly what to do and what to use, sometimes we have to be creative and find ways to combine different tools, and sometimes we just sit or turn around.
But we walk and we walk ways.
That's all I want to say to you.
With Love,
Stefan
It’s an answer to a question I asked him - why do you love me? And a reminder that we are committed to experiencing ourselves and life together, through all the seasons. Loving each other when it’s bright and sunny, just as we do when it’s dark, cold and rainy. Even when a certain grayness that pervades doesn’t seem to support our connection - we persist anyway. Sometimes drifting apart and then growing back together again. Sometimes knowing what we’re doing, sometimes not having any fucking clue.
It’s a fucking trip. Not always easy, not always nice. But always worth it.
Not sure how to get there? Here are 6 tips that helped me land the relationship of my dreams while embracing honesty in dating:
6 tips for dating honestly
1. Notice what you feel in your body.
A great tool in dating (and in life in general) is to be able to notice the physical sensations you’re experiencing in your body at any given moment.
Why it matters: our whole body, not just our mind, is a source of important information. For example, by noticing chest pain, you may realize you’re feeling stressed. You might notice a fluttering, butterfly-like feeling in your stomach - and know you’re falling in love. Our bodies can tell us a lot.
On the other hand, not paying attention to the body’s signals - like ignoring pain, hunger or thirst - could land us in the hospital. So take note of what you feel in your body right now.
It could be something like:
cold fingers
sweat under the arms
moving foot
pressure on the knee
pain in the back
and so on.
Not only will you have valuable information about your current state to use to make decisions - but you can also share your physical sensations with your date to get even more connected and invite them to do the same.
2. Share how you (really) feel.
This sounds kind of obvious, and it must be stated. In any moment with your date (as long as you feel safe doing so), tell them how or what you feel. Focus on the present moment. This might sound like:
“I’m really excited to meet you tomorrow! And a little nervous, I have to admit.”
“I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now - in a good way. I think I want to take some time for myself tonight.”
“I’m feeling self-conscious - I’m worried that you might not like me when you see the blemishes on my face.”
“I feel so good cuddling you - so warm and safe.”
“I’m afraid you’re mad at me because of what I said earlier.”
Of course - you don’t have to share everything that comes to your mind. As a general rule of thumb: share what feels important to you - that is, any emotion that feels really strong or keeps coming up. Things like: excitement, attraction, embarrassment, shame, nervousness, sadness etc.
Notice what you want to withhold - and ask yourself what is your motivation for doing so? Are you trying to manipulate the other into liking you more? Or trying to control their image of you - so they see you a certain way?
Good, now you’re ready for step three.
3. Come clean about who you really are.
When dating, we often want to present the best side of ourselves. Okay. But fuck that. Really.
If you present a polished version of yourself - one that does not accurately represent the whole beautiful mess that is you - your date doesn’t have the chance to love you as you truly are.
Instead, they may fall in love with a fake version of you - which is a recipe for heartbreak later down the road. Nobody can wear a mask forever, nor would they be happy doing so.
So I encourage you and your date to really share vulnerably with each other - especially the things that are uncomfortable to share. For example, here are some things Stefan and I revealed to each other already on our first or second date:
“I’m attracted to you.”
“I don’t want to tell you anything embarrassing - I want you to like me.”
“I am afraid you will see me as weak.”
“If we went to my house right now, I’d run inside and sneakily clean up the dirty clothes I left on the bathroom floor. I would want to hide those from you.”
“I’m not great at doing the dishes - I always seem to have a sink full of dirty dishes, no matter what I do!”
“What are you looking for in a relationship?”
“I’m looking for ____________ in a relationship.” (Ex: love, long-term commitment, etc)
“Do you want to cuddle? I’m imaging cuddling you right now.”
“I don’t usually wear make up - I’m wearing it today because I want you to find me attractive.”
4. Pay attention to you date’s words and actions.
If you’re still with me and liking my advice so far, chances are you’re gonna be great at this honest dating thing.
Radically honest dating can be exhilarating. And it can also be really fucking painful - speaking from experience.
If you’re lucky, you’ll meet the love of your life on your next date, all will go well and boom! Happily ever after.
Except it doesn’t usually happen like that right?
So the next step is important. Start to pay attention what your date says and does. Simply notice and start keeping tabs - as if you were a scientist observing an experiment. If it helps you can even write down the chain of events. Look at what the person actually did or said, not just your interpretation of it.
And finally
5. Don't tolerate red flags.
Dating is a process of weeding out the wrong people, to make way for the right person to come in. And let’s face it - when it comes to our innermost intimate circle - that space should be reserved for people who treat us like the precious, wonderful fucking beings that we are.
So you’ll meet a lot of people who are wrong for you. Don’t try to make it work with everyone. Don’t let your fear of lack, or your sense of not being good enough, convince you that you should give that fuckboy a chance to become a loving partner. Not gonna happen.
Of course, you should have no tolerance for overt red flags like name calling, abuse, putting you down, etc. Walk away.
But sometimes, the person you’re dating might use honesty only as a way to manufacture chemistry between you - as they have done with many people before.
They might date you, use ‘honesty’ to get what they want from you, and then move on to the next victim. You could be left with your head spinning, and your heart broken. I have been there before.
How do you know if someone is a basket or red flags or not? I’ve found that a good way to judge that is by how you’re feeling internally about the relationship.
Are you constantly feeling confused about it, not sure what the two of you are? Red flag. Or do you feel anxious, angry, disappointed, triggered and abandoned most of the time? RED FLAG! Does the person say one thing, and do another, and your confused if they really love you? Red flag!
In my experience, you won’t feel like shit when you start dating the right person.
So in step six let’s talk about setting boundaries.
6. Take good care of yourself and your boundaries.
So notice how you feel, what’s going on in your body, what the other person says or does and how you feel about the relationship.
Walk away from dates who are abusive or otherwise leave you feeling overall “bad”. Life’s too short for bad relationships, which can steal our happiness and peace.
But guess what.
You can also walk away just because someone isn’t loving you the way you want to be loved.
This is your dating journey. This is your search for love. And you don’t need to waste a minute of your time hanging around to find out if the wrong person will be right for you.
Sometimes, the wrong person might feel like a good friend. Sometimes, they might feel like a soulmate that your obsessed with and couldn’t imagine life without.
In any case, if they don’t treat you like you’re the most incredible human being they’ve ever laid eyes on, you owe it to yourself to walk away.
That was one lesson I had to learn the hard way.
But when I finally did, I made room for Stefan to come into my life <3
I learned how to treasure and honor myself.
How to care for me fully, even if no one else did.
How to stop abandoning myself.
For more inspiration about dating honestly, here are some resources for you:
That's all for today, hope it was helpful 🙏
Chelsea